SAGA

Back in the dark ages that was forty-odd years ago, I was discussing various aspects of holidaying with some of my co-students at the College of Air Traffic Control where we were all setting out on long and (mostly) successful careers. The college was in Bournemouth which was, and still is a seaside holiday resort that attracted a reasonable cross section of British society. This included the more mature holidaymaker who were catered for by a number of specialist tour operators, the most famous of which is Saga. Formed in 1951, Saga runs tours, river and ocean cruises, all inclusive package deals and extras such as travel insurance for Britain’s over 50s. Back in that common room at the College of ATC we were mostly in our early 20s so you felt you had to be very old indeed to experience a Saga tour and ‘very old’ people on holiday were generally perceived to be a bit, well, grumpy. As such we decided that the name ‘Saga’ was an acronym for ‘Stupid Arrogant Geriatric Arseholes’. Oh how we laughed. Fast forward forty years. I’m now 61 years old, well beyond the minimum age you have to be to book a Saga holiday and have just returned from my first Stupid Arrogant Geriatric Arseholes holiday. Yes indeed, my desired reputation for being a hard nosed traveller is about to take a battering as I plump for the easy option of paying a company a lot of money and letting them deal with everything. My inner 20 year old was shaking his head in despair.

How did it come to this? It should have been a year earlier as it happens. For the past few years my sister Jill and I have taken our mum away for a few days. Jill has in fact gone further and taken mum away herself. Those trips have been with Saga on both river and sea cruises. The fact that Saga look after the oldies was a big selling point for them, as was the travel cheap insurance that was an optional-but-you’d-be-mad-not-to-take-it extra. Mum is, in her own words, getting on a bit and has a number of medical issues that make normal travel insurance prohibitively expensive. Last year I decided to lose my Saga virginity by joining mum and Jill on a Rhine river cruise. Sadly, ten days before we were due to travel I came down with a dose of the Covid and as soon as Saga found out, they immediately refunded our money and strictly forbade us from setting foot within a hundred miles of their boat. I may be exaggerating a bit but it was quite obvious they were shit-scared of an outbreak on a boat full of elderly people with assorted levels of morbidity. My symptoms were mild, I’d have been over it by the time we were due to board but we weren’t welcome any more so that was that. We ended up spending a few days in Stratford-upon-Avon which was very nice, if a little lacking in German castles. A few months later we were looking to book this year’s trip. We went back to Saga and discovered a five night cruise on one of their two new ’boutique’ cruise ships, the Spirit of Discovery. It wasn’t the most exciting of itineraries as we would barely leave the English Channel but the cruise itself is the holiday, the ports of call are just a bonus. We booked it.

Another advantage of booking a Saga cruise is that they all go from the UK. That’s a bonus to most people but not necessarily an avgeek like me who rather enjoys a trip on a plane. Not having the hassle of airports is a good thing for many people, especially those who are of an age to take a Saga holiday. Not only that, Saga send someone to pick you up and drive you to the port. This service is free for anyone within 250 miles (300 miles from next year) of the port of departure. For this cruise it was Portsmouth which meant I, or anyone else residing in Scotland didn’t qualify for the free chauffeur service although Saga do supposedly offer cheap transfer services to those living outside the zone. As it happens, my mum’s house is 247 miles from Portsmouth so we booked the pick up from there. The driver duly arrived at the appointed time in a rather nice Mercedes people mover. There was one other passenger already in the vehicle and we set off to Portsmouth a four and a half hour drive away. For some reason I hadn’t really been looking forward to this but it was fine, very pleasant in fact. At the port the baggage, including mum’s wheelchair, was taken directly from the car before we were dropped off at the check-in. We had pre-booked assistance but needn’t have bothered as there was very little walking for mum to do. A bus took us from the check-in building to the gangplank where we boarded and were shown to our rooms. We’d each got a Superior Single cabin on the port aft of Deck 12. Look at me with the nautical terminology. I have been on a few cruises before. On none of those cruises have I stayed in a cabin as good as this one. All cabins on the Spirit of Discovery and its sister ship Spirit of Adventure have a balcony. That was a first for me and there’s no going back to inside cabins or even outside cabins with a non-opening porthole as I’d experienced a few years ago. Despite being a single cabin, it had a bed plenty big enough for two should any of the old solo travellers score on the cruise (stop being ageist and disapproving). There was plenty of living space and a small but well thought out bathroom, good storage and all the other little bits and pieces that you’d get in a good quality hotel room. Our cabin steward Jennifer introduced herself and promised not to fold the towels into animal shapes like you get with other cruise lines. Actually she didn’t promise, she just didn’t do it as presumably the Saga clientele is generally too old to be impressed by a towel folded into the shape of an elephant being left on the bed. I must be getting old too as wasn’t disappointed. I thought the room/cabin/stateroom, call it what you will, was fantastic.

A word about the crew. All the cabin stewards, waiting staff, bartenders and just about every other job that had day to day contact with the passengers, were Filipino. For some reason all cruise lines, not just Saga, recruit from the Philippines and have no difficulty in filling the available vacancies. Some people can struggle with this: wealthy westerners being served by people from relatively poor countries. However, the Filipinos seem happy in their work and genuinely friendly towards the passengers. Yes, they could just be acting and secretly despise us but I very much doubt it. As mentioned, there is no shortage of people applying for all the various posts which suggests it is seen as a good employment option. Guilt avoided, let’s look at the ship they call home for much of the year. The Spirit of Discovery was built in 2019, the first of a pair of new ‘small’ cruise ships built exclusively for Saga, Spirit of Adventure being the other which took to the seas the following year just in time for the pandemic. I say ‘small’ but that is a relative term. Gross tonnage, which is actually a measure of internal volume rather than weight, is 58,250. By contrast, the world’s largest cruise ship, Wonder of the Seas, has a gross tonnage of 236,857 so Discovery is a tiddler by comparison. The difference is it caters for 987 passengers as opposed to Wonder’s nearly 7000. Wonder is indeed massive but do the maths and you can see they need to fit seven times as many passenger in four times the volume. Discovery has a higher crew to passenger ratio too, more than one to two as opposed to one to three in the big ship. The big cruise lines are all going down the road of huge ships but there is still a market for smaller, more intimate vessels and as Saga’s clientele is hardly likely to need the water slides, climbing walls and go kart tracks on the mega liners, it seemed a wise choice to commission two ships at the smaller end of the size range.

What do they manage to squeeze into their 58,250 tonnes? 554 cabins for a start. Around a quarter of those are for single occupancy which is a far higher ratio than other cruise lines which once again reflects the elderly clientele. There are five dining rooms: The Main Dining Room, the slightly less formal Grill and three speciality restaurants. The Club by Jools is a steakhouse under the patronage of Jools Holland, East to West is Asian cuisine and Coast to Coast which specialises in seafood. There was no supplement to use the speciality restaurants though for our short cruise they limited passengers to just one visit to one of them. We somehow managed to blag our way into two though, the only one we missed was Coast to Coast, much to mum’s disappointment as she rather fancied the lobster. Whilst you needed a reservation in the speciality restaurants, it was open dining in the others so no set sittings to worry about. The longest we had to wait was about two minutes. There are four different bars including the large Britannia Lounge at the pointy end of the ship (see, I told you I knew all the nautical terms). A lot of the entertainment takes place there including the daily quiz which we so nearly won one evening, losing out on a tie break. We would have won it had we not ‘checked’ an answer which only goes to show that bending the rules doesn’t always pay. The Club by Jools aptly becomes a piano bar after dinner is over and occasionally the pianist is Jools himself. Not on our cruise though, we had the equally impressive Zoltan to tickle the ivories. The Living Room is near the hub of the ship where you could sip a pina colada to the sounds of a classical four piece or some light jazz by a three piece who were forever telling us that they loved jazz. We didn’t frequent the South Cape Bar which was the fourth drinking establishment on the ship. The Playhouse Theatre could seat 444 people and held shows every evening either by the ship’s resident entertainment crew or visiting acts. Other things took place there such as lectures in the afternoon and it also served as the rendezvous point for the shore excursions. Up on deck there were more than enough sun loungers, something not all cruise lines can claim, a swimming pool filled with warm, fresh water and a couple of spa pools which were positively steaming. There is a bar there too with waiters bringing drinks directly to your sun lounger so no need to do the long walk of a few yards to get it yourself. There’s a few games you can play like table tennis, darts and the cruise line favourite, quoits, and if you are feeling fit, four times round the promenade deck is a mile. To complete the ship tour, there’s a couple of shops near the reception, a library for those who fancy some peace and quiet, a gym, a hairdressers and a spa. The hairdresser and the spa require additional payment but apart from some of the more expensive drinks, everything else on board is free, including the WiFi. Or, to be more precise, included in the price. Saga cruises aren’t the cheapest but you do get a lot for your money. We bought a bottle of Champagne to celebrate a special occasion and that was the only thing that we were charged for on disembarkation and that was only £30 which seemed more of a supermarket price than what you might find in a bar or restaurant.

To summarise, it is a very nice ship, tastefully kitted out, with enough of what you might want on a cruise and not a lot of what you don’t. It is perfect for the 60+ age bracket and probably suits the 50+ cruisers too although to be honest, I didn’t see that many passengers who looked to be in their fifties. In fact at 61 I felt rather youthful. The cruise itself is a bit of a backstory to this blog but it is worth mentioning what happened to give an idea of what to expect on any Saga cruise itinerary. Sailaway from Portsmouth was not accompanied by much fanfare which I found a bit odd but it was very pleasant watching it from the balcony of mum’s room. Portsmouth isn’t an overly scenic place but there was a lot of interesting stuff to see. Day two was a sea day. We were lucky as the weather was particularly kind so spent much of the day on deck. There were plenty of organised activities to keep folk occupied if sitting around isn’t your thing but lots did take advantage of the sunshine. I even had a dip in the pool. That evening was Formal Night. Formal dress was required throughout the ship with the exception of The Grill where the chaps could get away without wearing a tie. We had booked The Club for that evening so I had to dig out my suit and blow the moths off. I may have grumbled about it once or twice but the steaks were fantastic. In the theatre that evening were a Queen tribute band which led to the comedy moment of the cruise: a lot of old folk DJs and cocktail dresses getting on down to Don’t Stop Me Now, especially the “I’m a sex machine ready to reload” bit. Don’t knock it though, the band were excellent and ties or no ties, it was a great evening. Day Three saw us dock in Brest. Another good thing about a Saga cruise is that some of the shore excursions are included. In Brest this was a trip to the Breton village of Locronan. It’s a nice place, even when it is full of Saga cruise ship passengers. That evening’s entertainment was a show put together by the ship’s entertainment company. There was some loose storyline which served as an excuse to perform song and dance and a bit of acrobatics.

Day Four was spent in Falmouth. The weather had taken a turn for the worse which was a shame. We had decided to avoid the included excursion and pay for a different one which was a cruise up the Helford River in one of the tourist boats that ply their trade in Falmouth Harbour. However, the weather put paid to that idea and we headed off up the River Fal estuary instead. It was, well, a bit rubbish. It would have probably been ok if the weather had been better but a scenic cruise where you can’t see much is never likely to be the best. After dinner in The Grill, we nearly won the quiz as mentioned above, and then saw a magician do magic things in the theatre. He was pretty good at it too but I always try and work out how they do it and it frustrates me when I can’t. Day Five saw us drop anchor in Plymouth Harbour. This is always interesting as it requires the use of a tender to get the passengers to shore. That tender is in fact one of the lifeboats and it is quite a fun journey. We took another optional extra excursion in Plymouth. This was to Buckfast Abbey, three quarters of an hour or so away by bus. It was an interesting place. The abbey is less than 100 years old but made in the gothic style of many centuries earlier. However, the most interesting thing about it is that the monks produce their tonic wine, so beloved of the young scallywags of Scotland. I bought a bottle and took it home. It was a bit like taking coals to Newcastle. There’s something, however, about buying Bucky at the place where it is produced rather than the Spar just round the corner. That evening we got ourselves into the East to West restaurant despite us using up our speciality restaurant allocation of one a couple of days earlier. The food was amongst the finest Asian food I have ever tasted. It was another Queen night at the theatre with the tribute band, who go by the name of Royal Rhapsody, giving us another rousing night of classic Queen stuff. There were fewer people there this time and not a dinner jacket in sight but I have to give a big thumbs up to the cruise director for booking them. The band members were quite young and I do wonder what they made of their not young audience. Whatever, they put on a show and those present seemed to love it. Day Six of our five day cruise saw us dock in Portsmouth early. One final breakfast and we were off the ship by half past eight. Our bags had been collected overnight and were there for us at the quayside. Another bloke in a different Mercedes van was there to whisk us back to Yorkshire. It was Coronation Day and we got back in time to turn the telly on and. see the King and Queen on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.

What then of Saga cruises? I couldn’t really fault them. You are looked after from stepping out of your front door to stepping back inside it again how ever many days later. The ship is really classy. It looks good outside and in. In terms of size it was pretty much ideal. Not huge and intimidating but not small and too exclusive either. The cabins are great and you’ll get a balcony even in the cheapest one. The food was top notch in all locations with good portion sizes, not always a given with other cruise lines. If I was being really picky I would say the food could have been a bit hotter but you couldn’t fault it for quality and flavour. There were enough activities and entertainment on offer to fill your time on board and it was easy to avoid it if you just fancied a bit of peace and quiet. Yes, it’s full of old people and it the bathing beauties by the pool may be a bit on the wrinkly side but so what? I’m no spring chicken either. Would I do it again? Most certainly. Here’s the big question though, is Saga just for Stupid, Arrogant, Geriatric Arseholes? If I ever get to use a time machine I’m going back to that common room in Bournemouth and informing young me and my co-students that no it isn’t and to stop being a bunch of young wanks.