Nobby Stiles

Nobby Stiles was a no-nonsense midfielder in Matt Busby’s Manchester United side of the 1960. He is fondly remembered for many things but two in particular stand out. Firstly, his dancing a little jig with the Jules Rimet Trophy in one hand and his false teeth in the other during the lap of honour that followed England’s victory in the 1966 World Cup Final. The other is that he lends his name to an insidious human ailment that is literally a pain in the arse. Haemorrhoids are more commonly known as piles, probably because it is easier to spell. Through rhyming slang those unfortunate enough to suffer from the problem can now be said to be complaining about their Nobby Stiles or, as rhyming slang so often progresses, a bad case of Nobbys. There are many other names for piles, presumably for humorous reasons as in Britain at least all things pertaining to bottoms are fair game for a laugh. Unless you happen to be suffering from them. Believe me, your chuckle quotient goes down by quite a large factor when you got the dreaded Nobbys.

So what exactly are Haemorrhoids/piles/Nobbys/bum grapes/Chalfont St Giles/Emma Freuds/anal speedbumps etc, etc? According to the NHS website they are defined thus: Haemorrhoids, also known as piles, are swellings containing enlarged blood vessels found inside or around the bottom (the rectum and anus). Most of the time these remain hidden and asymptomatic, in fact many of you reading this will have the little blighters and be completely unaware. For some people, however, the damn things pop out of the warmth and safety of their admittedly rather grim home and make a bid for freedom that is only going to end in tears. For some sufferers it will result in an intense itch, others will find it quite painful. The blood vessels can also burst and one can become acutely aware that blood is seeping out and making a mess of one’s undergarments. It is said that in most cases they will go away of their own accord but you just know at sometime in the future, maybe next month, maybe next year, the little buggers will be back to provide you with supreme discomfort and others with something to laugh at you about.

As you may have gathered by the fact I’m writing this, I’m suffering from a case of Nobbys, ora to be precise a single huge Nobby, right now. No bleeding has occurred yet but the pain is all too real. Everyday tasks suddenly become a bit more complicated. Even sitting at the computer is not the easiest of jobs as you constantly have to think about weight distribution. If you find a comfortable position you just know that at some stage you will have to move and the Nobby is going to get angry about it. Lying in bed is no better and sleep gets disturbed as another twinge of botty pain reminds you of your predicament. There are a number of over the counter treatments that are supposed to help. Creams and ointments are the most common. Rub these on the offending object, not a task to be taken likely, should give pain relief and reduce the swelling. You can also get suppositories. I don’t know about you but I’m not so keen on things going up my arse. I feel that particular part of my anatomy is a one way street and flinch at the idea of anything not obeying the no entry sign. Apparently the French are particularly fond of this method of taking medicines and not just for ailments of that particular region of the body. Silly sods. Ointment it is then, applied liberally if a little gingerly. It helps the pain a little bit though not much. If it has shrunken the Nobby I have no idea. I’ll await the next application to assess the situation and see if it is anything less than the bloody enormous thing that got covered in the active ingredients of zinc oxide and lidocaine hydrochloride.

Ok, it is now tomorrow. The formerly cricket ball sized Nobby is now the size of a golf ball. I might be exaggerating there but it has definitely shrunk. The pain hasn’t gone away but is not as intense and I appear to be able to sit down without too much thought being put into the operation. Whether this is down to the ointment or not I’ve no idea. I think perhaps that the fact the bloody thing exploded whilst I was, erm, at stool this morning might have something to do with it. Much cleaning of the bathroom was required to prevent it from looking like a murder scene. This did not improve my mood much but hopefully it’s a sign of the thing giving up the ghost and retreating to whence it had come. I know you shouldn’t kick a man whilst he’s down but the retreating Nobby got another coating of ointment just to make sure it has learnt its lesson.

Haemorrhoids alone are proof that we evolved and were not created by an intelligent designer. Genesis 1-27 states that God created man in his own image which suggests to me that if He did indeed do that He must have been suffering from a bad case of piles at the time. “If I’ve got ’em, sure as hell they are going to get ’em” must have been his line of thought. No, evolution wins, as it always does, by not caring whether humans have a sore arse or not as long as the DNA gets passed on. There’s no evolutionary advantage to not having them apparently, so a thing they remain. It might be retreating this time I’ve no doubt the Nobby will be back, bigger and angrier than ever. Maybe he will bring some of his friends with him next time…