Wheels

Living in the wealthy western world, a car is pretty much essential. I know there are folk who survive without one, through reasons of poverty or principles, but for most of us the lack of a car or access to a car is something we can’t really contemplate. The shapes of towns and cities are dictated by the fact the residents will have cars. Back when I was born you could nip to the corner shop for your groceries. Nowadays you do the ‘weekly shop’ at a supermarket a few miles away. You need a car to get to work, go to the cinema, keep medical appointments and even take your kids to school as it’s too dangerous to let them walk due to all the cars on the road. Yes, I know the aforementioned people with principles manage with a bicycle and public transport but short of feeling smug that it isn’t their fault when humanity dies out due to the runaway greenhouse effect, I can’t really see any advantage in missing out on the advantage of having a personal transportation device sitting on your drive. The motor car is such an important part of the economy that when the financial collapse of 2008 happened one of the ways the government tried to fix things was by subsidising the purchase of new cars through a scrappage scheme. I’m not sure quite how giving someone a couple of thousand quid to buy a German or Korean car helped a British economy which didn’t have a couple of thousand quid to spare but there you go. I’m not an economist.

Another thing I’m not is a car enthusiast. Whilst I’ve always appreciated having a car and the convenience and freedom it has given me I’ve never really been too worried about the badge that vehicle was wearing. Whilst I was working I was quite unusual in this amongst my colleagues. Air Traffic Controllers didn’t get company cars so we had to buy our own and most of my colleagues would take great pride in what they were buying. It’s a well paid job so the car park would be full of fairly expensive cars, most of which were German. Indeed, one day many years ago, a colleague mentioned that he now had a Merc. I was worried that this would mean surgery to get it removed before I realised he meant a Mercedes Benz rather than some embarrassing personal growth. Mercedes cars were seen as the ultimate and this guy had finally arrived. He was dead proud. I feigned excitement for his acquisition but in reality I wasn’t particularly impressed. The Expensive German Car became a bit of a joke term to me. Sure, these cars were very nice and all that but they were still motorised metal boxes on wheels and something half the price did the same job just as well. It’s got a twin overhead cam vee six injection with extra cup holders don’t you know? I didn’t have the first clue what it meant, nor did I really care. These were the people who have had personalised number plates ever since personalised number plates became a thing and have been watching Top Gear since Angela Ripon was the presenter.

Speaking of Top Gear, I only started watching it from the nineteenth series. I actually found the bits where Clarkson, Hammond and May were mucking about quite entertaining, the bits where they prattled on about cars less so. Whenever they had a ‘celebrity’ on Clarkson would quiz them on their car history, mocking or praising them as appropriate. Appropriate to a petrol head that is. Had my car history been reviewed, unlikely I know as I’m not in the same celebrity league as Tom Cruise, I think derision would have been forthcoming. My first car was a Chrysler (Hillman) Avenger, bought when I commenced ATC Training with a loan from my mum. It cost £1500, not an insubstantial amount in 1981. It was a heap of rubbish, with wheel shake at fifty miles per hour thanks to unbalanced wheels and a propensity to overheat due to, well, reasons. I was informed that the cylinder head gasket, whatever that was, had blown and much of my first wage went on its repair. Eventually the heater broke and I nearly froze to death on a trip down to Yorkshire one winter. I traded it in, broken heater and all, after that and bought a Vauxhall Chevette. A rather bright orange car, at least it didn’t suffer too many major problems though it was never likely to increase my chances with the ladies. Next up was a Vauxhall Astra estate. I had it when I got married and it looked good when it was all decorated up by my new brother-in-laws. In reality, however, it was a complete rust bucket. I then went in to my Peugeot phase. No, don’t laugh, in the eighties Peugeot’s stock was quite high thanks to their much admired supermini, the 205. It was a lot smaller than the Astra but there was only the two of us so I got one. This, incidentally, was the first time I used finance to buy a car (other than the loan from my mum of course). I didn’t have it long as we replaced it with another 205, then moved up to a Peugeot 309, my first brand new car. Next up was another 309, a special edition no less with green seatbelts, and collected on the day the registrations changed, before I replaced it with Peugeot’s latest family hatchback, the 306. Oh dear. That was an abysmal car, a real Friday afternoon lemon with a string of problems that meant it spent more time in the dealer’s garage than on the drive. I got shot of it as soon as the warranty expired and it was no more Peugeot’s for me.

Next up was the first of three Ford Mondeos. Their reputation of being a rep’s car didn’t bother me in the slightest – they proved to be perfect family cars as by now we had kids. They were all bought ‘nearly new’ too, ex-demos, pre-registered or company cars with just a couple of thousand miles on the clock. That saved thousands on the list price which made me happy. I’d have happily got a fourth but for some reason decided to have a change and got a Honda Accord. I didn’t like it very much. I’ve no idea why but I wasn’t sad to see it go. By now it was 2011. The kids were all grown up (allegedly) so I didn’t need to get a family car. I quite liked the new Mini for some reason. I found it rather cool which was a bit concerning for a proud member of the ‘I’m not interested in cars’ club. I went to look at a black one in the showroom. I bought it and you know what? I loved it. I’m not sure why but I found nipping around in the Mini was fun which was a whole new sensation to which I was unaccustomed. There was only one problem though – it was wholly impractical. Every time I went to Tesco I had to put the back seats down to get the shopping in. Getting a couple of suitcases in to go on holiday was a bit of a challenge. Fun though it was, after a couple of years it had to go.

Which brings me back to The Expensive German Car and my years of mocking those who considered their life complete when obtaining one. Yes, I know that Mini is owned by BMW so could lay claim to being one of them but the brand remains resolutely British and the car was made in Oxford so I used that information as my get out of jail free card. For some reason though, I decided to nip into the Audi showroom when I was looking to replace it and the next thing I knew I’d bought an A3. Why? I just thought it was better than the competition which happened to be the Ford Focus and Honda Accord. No more expensive either as it happens. Well, a bit more expensive perhaps but although it was certainly German and most definitely a car, it still didn’t count as an Expensive German Car. Anyway, it was my first Diesel car and I loved it so much I traded it in for petrol one in 2016. I loved that too. It’s now 2019 though and I’m no longer in employment. The finance period is coming to an end so I decided it was time for a new strategy. I wanted a car I could run for six or seven years as by then I’d be so old that I’ll probably have to get a Nissan Micra. I’d buy a car outright using the A3 as a trade-in and money from my pension lump sum. That way I’d reduce my monthly outgoings by quite a bit. I could also do something I never thought I’d do and buy the sort of car I’d derided for nearly forty years. A genuine Expensive German Car.

That’s not strictly true. I decided I’d buy a chunky car, or SUV as the car people call them, but not necessarily a German one. The choice was huge but I quite liked the look of the Jaguar F-Pace. Elaine and I went to have a look. We liked it. We were less keen on the salesman though, not that he was any worse than the average car salesman but he couldn’t seem to grasp he fact we didn’t want to finance it. Still, it was a nice machine. Out of curiosity we popped in to the Audi dealership where my previous two cars came from. We had a test run in a Q5. We liked it. The salesman was a much more likeable chap and sourced us a seven month old ex-demonstrator with four thousand miles on the clock. I bought it. For those who are interested it is the S-Line model with the Tech pack and bigger wheel options. The tech pack is useful but quite why anyone would pay nine hundred quid for an extra inch diameter wheels is beyond me but those wheels were already installed so big wheels it has got. It’s a Diesel which means less CO2 but more dead babies from the other shit it emits if the environment crowd are right. Sorry world. I reckon it was nine grand cheaper than a similarly spec-ed new car but it was still far more than any car I’d bought before.

So there you go. After nearly forty years of resisting, I finally succumbed to the Expensive German Car. Some might say I was there with the Mini and you could argue that the A3 fits the category but neither quite fit my own idea of what an Expensive German Car really is. The Q5 definitely does. It is something I don’t need, a vanity purchase and obtaining it was purely materialistic. I hate myself. I love the car though.

Footnote 1: just three days after getting it I, along with the car, was on holiday in the Isle of Man and turning left at some lights. The car to my right was going straight ahead which due to the road layout meant he needed to bear left a bit. He bore left straight into me. I pulled round the corner and stopped to survey the damage. He carried straight on and didn’t. My front off side bumper and wheel arch were scuffed and scratched. The only comfort I took was that I saw he had a scratch all the way along his near side wing and doors as he disappeared from view. I’m assuming that this means his repair will be a lot more expensive than mine.

Footnote 2: I am, and was when I bought the first one, aware of the reputation of Audi drivers. Whilst it is unfair to tar us all with the same brush, I can kind of see why such prejudice exists. Never mind though, at least we don’t drive BMWs.